125This adult child often hangs out at Mom and Dad’s house,
vacations with them, drops off laundry, and eats many meals
there. He is Mom or Dad’s closest confidant, sharing “every-
thing” with them. At thirtysomething, he hasn’t found his career
niche, and he has no savings, no retirement plan, and no health
insurance. On the surface these things do not appear to be seri-
ous problems. But often, Mom and Dad are symbolically keep-
ing their adult child from emotionally leaving home.
This often happens in friendly, loving families, where things
are so nice it’s hard to leave. (Psychologists often refer to this as
the “enmeshed family,” one in which the children do not sepa-
rate with clear boundaries.) It does not look like a problem,
because everyone gets along so well. The family is very happy
with one another.
However, the adult children’s other adult relationships may
be dysfunctional. They may choose “black sheep” friends and
lovers. They may be unable to commit to a member of the oppo-
site sex or to a career.
Often their finances are a problem. They have large and
multiple credit-card balances and usually are behind on their
taxes. Although they may be earning their own way daily, they
never think about the future. This is essentially an adolescent
financial life. Adolescents make enough money to buy a surf-
board, stereo, or dress, but do not think past the immediate pre-
sent to the future. Did I make enough money for the pleasures
of this weekend? Adolescents—and adult children who have not
separated from their parents—are still under parental protec-
tion, and it’s a parent’s job to think about the future.
Three’s a Crowd
Dysfunctional families are known for a certain type of
boundary problem called triangulation. It goes something
like this: Person A is angry at Person B. Person A does not tell
Person B. Person A calls Person C and gripes about Person B.
Person C enjoys Person A’s confidence and listens whenever A
wants to play the triangle game.
Boundaries and Your Family