136recreation. They went to the same church and liked the same
restaurants. But they were just too nice to each other. They both
had difficulty saying no to each other.
Their realization of the problem came up one weekend
when a white-water rafting trip and a sixties concert were sched-
uled on the same day. Sean and Tim enjoyed both activities, but
they couldn’t do both. Sean called Tim, suggesting they go raft-
ing. “Absolutely,” answered his friend. However, unbeknownst
to each other, neither Sean nor Tim really wanted to go rafting.
In their heart of hearts, both men had been looking forward to
going to the concert.
Halfway down the river, Sean and Tim got honest with each
other. Tired and wet, Tim blurted out, “It was your big idea to
come on this trip.”
“Tim,” Sean said with surprise. “I thought you wanted to go
rafting.”
“Oh, no! Since you called me, I figured that’s what you
wanted! Old buddy,” he continued ruefully, “maybe it’s time we
stopped treating each other like china dolls.”
The result of two compliants’ interacting is that neither does
what he really wants. Each is so afraid of telling the other the
truth that neither ever does.
Let’s apply a boundary checklist to this conflict. This checklist
of questions will not only help you locate where you are in setting
boundaries, but also show you how to get where you want to go.
- What are the symptoms? One symptom of a compliant/
compliant conflict is dissatisfaction—a sense that you allowed
something you shouldn’t have. - What are the roots? Compliants come from backgrounds
where they had to avoid saying no to keep others happy. Since
their roots are similar, it’s often hard for two compliant people
to help each other. - What is the boundary conflict? Compliant people politely
deny their own boundaries to keep the peace. - Who needs to take ownership? Each compliant needs to
take responsibility for his or her attempts to appease or please
the other. Sean and Tim both need to admit that they each con-
trol the other by being nice.
Boundaries