137- What do they need? Compliant people need to have sup-
portive relationships to plug into, be they support groups, home
Bible studies, or counselors. Their fear of hurting the other per-
son makes it difficult for them to set boundaries on their own. - How do they begin? Both compliants practice setting limits
on trivial things. They may begin with being honest about things
like tastes in restaurants, church liturgies, music, and the like. - How do they set boundaries with each other? Sean and
Tim talk with each other face-to-face, finally telling the truth
and revealing limits they’d like to start setting. They commit
themselves to better boundaries with each other. - What happens next? Sean and Tim may have to admit that
their interests are not as similar as they’d thought. They may
need to separate more from each other. Having different friends
for different activities is no blot on the relationship; it might help
their friendship in the long run.
Conflict #2: Compliant/Aggressive Controller
The compliant/aggressive controller conflict, the most identi-
fiable of friendship conflicts, has classic symptoms. The compliant
feels intimidated and inferior in the relationship; the aggressive
controller feels irritated at being nagged by the compliant.
“Well, all right, if you insist” is a catchphrase of the compli-
ant. Usually, the aggressive controller is insisting on using some
of the compliant’s time, talents, or treasures. The aggressive
controller has no problem demanding what she wants. Some-
times she just takes what she wants without asking. “I needed it”
is enough reason for the aggressive controller to help herself to
whatever the compliant has, be it car keys, a cup of sugar, or
three hours of time.
Since the compliant is usually unhappy in this relationship,
he is the one who needs to take action. Let’s put this relation-
ship through the boundary checklist:
- What are the symptoms? The compliant feels controlled
and resentful; the aggressive controller feels good, except she
doesn’t like to be nagged.
Boundaries and Your Friends