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Question #3: What If My Closest Friends Are My Family?
Boundary-developing individuals sometimes say, “But my
mother (or father, or sister, or brother) is my best friend.” They
often feel fortunate that, in these times of family stress, their
best friends are the family in which they were raised. They don’t
think they need an intimate circle of friends besides their own
parents and siblings.
They misunderstand the biblical function of the family. God
intended the family to be an incubator in which we grow the
maturity, tools, and abilities we need. Once the incubator has
done its job, then, it’s supposed to encourage the young adult to
leave the nest and connect to the outside world (Gen. 2:24), to
establish a spiritual and emotional family system on one’s own.
The adult is free to do whatever God has designed for him or her.
Over time, we are to accomplish God’s purposes of spread-
ing his love to the world, to make disciples of all the nations
(Matt. 28:19–20). Staying emotionally locked in to the family of
origin frustrates this purpose. It’s hard to see how we’ll change
the world when we have to live on the same street.
No one can become a truly biblical adult without setting
some limits, leaving home, and cleaving somewhere else. Other-
wise, we never know if we have forged our own values, beliefs,
and convictions—our very identity—or if we are mimicking the
ideas of our family.
Can family be friends? Absolutely. But if you have never
questioned, set boundaries, or experienced conflict with your
family members, you may not have an adult-to-adult connection
with your family. If you have no other “best friends” than your
family, you need to take a close look at those relationships. You
may be afraid of separating and individuating, of becoming an
autonomous adult.
Question #4: How Can I Set Limits with Needy Friends?
I was talking to a woman one day in session who felt
extremely isolated and out of control. Setting limits with her
friends seemed impossible for her; they were in perpetual crisis.
Boundaries