169quences. Negative discipline is letting children suffer the results
of their actions to learn a lesson in responsibility: “Stern disci-
pline awaits him who leaves the path” (Prov. 15:10).
Good child rearing involves both preventive training and
practice, and correctional consequences. For example, you set
a ten o’clock bedtime for your fourteen-year-old. “It’s there so
that you’ll get enough sleep to be alert in school,” you tell her.
You’ve just disciplined positively. Then your teen dawdles until
11:30 P.M. The next day you say, “Because you did not get to bed
on time last night, you may not use the phone today.” You’ve just
disciplined negatively.
Why are both the carrot and the whip necessary in good
boundary development? Because God uses practice—trial and
error—to help us grow up. We learn maturity by getting infor-
mation, applying it poorly, making mistakes, learning from our
mistakes, and doing better the next time.
Practice is necessary in all areas of life: in learning to ski,
write an essay, or operate a computer. We need practice in
developing a deep love relationship and in learning to study the
Bible. And it’s just as true in our spiritual and emotional growth:
“But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have
trained themselves to distinguish good from evil” (Heb. 5:14).
Practice is important in learning boundaries and responsibility.
Our mistakes are our teachers.
Discipline is an external boundary, designed to develop
internal boundaries in our children. It provides a structure of
safety until the child has enough structure in his character to not
need it. Good discipline always moves the child toward more
internal structure and more responsibility.
We need to distinguish between discipline and punishment.
Punishment is payment for wrongdoing. Legally, it’s paying a
penalty for breaking the law. Punishment doesn’t leave a lot of
room for practice, however. It’s not a great teacher. The price is
too high: “The wages of sin is death” (Rom. 6:23), and “whoever
keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty
of breaking all of it” (James 2:10). Punishment does not leave
much room for mistakes.
Boundaries and Your Children