186At eighteen to thirty-six months the child needs to learn to
be autonomous. She wants to be free of parental rule, but this
desire is conflicted by her deep dependence on her parents. The
wise parent will help her gain a sense of individualism and
accept her loss of omnipotence, but without losing attachment.
To teach a child boundaries at this stage, you need to respect
her no whenever appropriate, yet maintain your own firm no.
It’s easy for you to try to win all the skirmishes. But there are
simply too many. You will end up losing the war because you’ve
lost the big picture—the attachment. Don’t waste your energy
trying to control a random whirlwind. Pick your battles carefully
and choose the important ones to win.
Wise parents will rejoice in children’s fun times, but will
consistently and uniformly keep solid limits with the practicing
child. At this age, children can learn the rules of the house as
well as the consequences for breaking them. One workable
process of discipline is listed below:- First infraction. Tell the child not to color on the bed-
sheet. Try to help the child meet her need in another way—
using a coloring book or a pad of plain paper to crayon on
instead of a bedsheet, for example. - Second infraction. Again, tell the child no, and state the
consequence. She will need to take a time out for one minute or
lose the crayons for the rest of the day. - Third infraction. Administer the consequences, explain-
ing why, then give the child a few minutes to be angry and sep-
arate from parents. - Comfort and reconnection. Hold and comfort the child,
helping her reattach with you. This helps her differentiate
between consequences and a loss of love. Painful consequences
should never include a loss of connection.
Three to Five Years
During this phase, children move into a period of sex-role
development. Each child identifies with the same-sex parent. Lit-
Boundaries