194“But what if things go wrong?” Susie asked.
Lynda shrugged. “Then they’ll blame Jack. It’s not your
responsibility.”
“Jack will be angry with me for not helping,” Susie said.
“Let him,” said Lynda. “His anger can’t hurt you as much as
his poor work habits can.”
So Susie began to set limits on Jack. She told him, “I will not
have time to bring the materials for you this week.” And when Jack
ran out of time to do things himself, Susie said, “I’m sorry that you
have not done that before now, and I understand that you are in a
bind. Maybe next time you will plan better. That’s not my job.”
Some trainers were angry that their equipment was not set
up, and customers were angry that no food was provided for the
break. But the boss tracked down the problem to the person
who was responsible—Jack—and told him to shape up, or find
another job. In the end, Susie began to like work again, and Jack
began to get more responsible. All because Susie set boundaries
and stuck to them.
If you are being saddled with another person’s responsibili-
ties and feel resentful, you need to take responsibility for your
feelings, and realize that your unhappiness is not your co-
worker’s fault, but your own. In this as in any other boundary
conflict, you first must take responsibility for yourself.
Then you must act responsibly to your co-worker. Go to your
co-worker and explain your situation. When he asks you to do
something that is not your responsibility, say no and refuse to do
whatever it is that he wants you to do. If he gets angry at you for
saying no, be firm about your boundaries and empathize with his
anger. Don’t get angry back. To fight anger with anger is to get
hooked into his game. Keep your emotional distance and say, “I
am sorry if this upsets you. But that job is not my responsibility.
I hope you get it worked out.”
If he continues to argue, tell him that you are finished dis-
cussing it; he can come and find you when he is ready to talk
about something else. Do not fall into the trap of justifying why
you can’t do his work for him. You will be slipping into his think-
ing that you should do his work if you are able to, and he will try
Boundaries