207Instead of this defensive posture, we are much better off to
look humbly at ourselves. To ask for feedback from others. To
listen to people we trust. And to confess, “I was wrong.”
Our Out-of-Control Soul
Eating
Teresa’s secret shame was becoming more difficult to keep
a secret. Her five-foot-four frame could hide a little extra weight,
but over the past few months she’d gradually moved into the
mid-hundred mark. She hated it. Her dating life, her stamina,
and her attitude toward herself were all affected.
She was out of control. In her successful but stressful career
as an attorney, cookies and candy were the only place she could
go when everything was falling down around her. Twelve-hour
days meant lots of isolation, and absolutely nothing filled the
void like fatty foods. No wonder they call it comfort food, Teresa
would think.
What makes overeating especially painful is that overweight
is visible to others. The overweight person feels enormous self-
hate and shame about her condition. And, like others who suf-
fer from out-of-control behaviors, the overweight person feels
overwhelming shame for her behavior, which drives her away
from relationship and back to food.
Both chronic and bingeing overeaters suffer from an inter-
nal self-boundary problem. For overeaters, food serves as a false
boundary. They might use food to avoid intimacy by gaining
weight and becoming less attractive. Or they might binge as a
way to get false closeness. For bingers, the “comfort” from food
is less scary than the prospect of real relationships, where
boundaries would be necessary.
Money
A now-famous bumper sticker reads, “I can’t be overdrawn—
I still have checks left!” People have tremendous problems in
many different areas dealing with money, including the following:
Boundaries and Your Self