212restraint” (Prov. 17:27). According to The Theological Wordbook
of the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for “restrain” refers to
“the free action of holding back something or someone. The
actor has the power over the object.”^1 It’s a boundary-laden
term. We have the power to set boundaries on what comes out
of our mouths.
When we can’t hold back, or set boundaries, on what comes
from our lips, our words are in charge—not us. But we are still
responsible for those words. Our words do not come from some-
where outside of us, as if we were a ventriloquist’s dummy. They
are the product of our hearts. Our saying, “I didn’t mean that,”
is probably better translated, “I didn’t want you to know I
thought that about you.” We need to take responsibility for our
words. “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the
day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken”
(Matt. 12:36).
Sexuality
As Christians are finding more safe places in the church to
be honest about spiritual and emotional conflicts, sexual prob-
lems, especially for men, have emerged as a major issue. Such
problems include compulsive masturbation, compulsive hetero-
sexual or homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution,
exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, indecent liber-
ties, child molestation, incest, and rape.
The individual caught up in an out-of-control sexual behav-
ior generally feels deeply isolated and shameful. This keeps what
is broken in the soul sequestered in the darkness—out of the
light of relationship with God and others, where there can be
neither help nor resolution. His sexuality takes on a life of its
own, unreal and fantasy-driven. One man described it as a “not-
me experience.” It was, for him, as if the real him was watching
his sexual actions from across the room. Others may feel so dead
and detached that sexuality is the only way they feel alive.
The problem, however, is that, as in most internal boundary
conflicts, sexual boundarylessness becomes a tyrant, demandingBoundaries