245Predictably, he started to cut Brian off from the resources
that he had had access to. He used him as an example to the sib-
lings. He began to lavish more privileges onto Brian’s brothers
and sister to show Brian his mistake. Lastly, he changed his will.
This was hard for Brian. He had to cut down on his lifestyle
and do without some of the things he was used to. He had to
make different plans for the future as he had always planned on
inheriting his father’s money. In short, he had to deal with the
consequences of his choice to free himself from his father’s con-
trol. But, for the first time in his life, he was free.
This scenario is common. It is not always a family fortune
that’s at stake, but it may be parents’ financial support for col-
lege. Or it may be a mother’s availability to be babysitter. Or a
father’s help in business. Or it may be as serious as the loss of
the relationship. The consequences of setting boundaries will be
countermoves by controlling people. They will react to your act
of boundary setting.
First, figure out what it is that you are getting for your lack
of boundaries and what you stand to lose by setting boundaries.
In Brian’s case it was money. For others, it may be a relation-
ship. Some people are so controlling that if someone starts to
stand up to them, they will not relate to them any more. Many
people are cut off by the family they grew up in when they stop
playing the family’s dysfunctional games. Their parents or their
“friends” will no longer speak to them.
You face a risk in setting boundaries and gaining control of
your life. In most instances, the results are not drastic, for as
soon as the other person finds out that you are serious, they start
to change. They find the limit setting to be something good for
them. As Jesus says, you have “won them.” The rebuke of a
friend turns out to be good medicine.
Good, honest people need discipline, and they respond,
however reluctantly, to limits. Others have what psychologists
call “character disorders”; they don’t want to take responsibility
for their own actions and lives. When their friends and spouses
refuse to take responsibility for them, they move on.
Resistance to Boundaries