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many times Scripture talks about keeping boundaries with
someone until she owns what she has done and produces “fruit
in keeping with repentance” (Matt. 3:8). True repentance is
much more than saying “I’m sorry”; it is changing direction.
You need to clearly communicate that, while you have for-
given her, you do not trust her yet, for she has not proven her-
self trustworthy. There has not been enough time to see if she
really is going to change.
Remember, God is your model. He did not wait for people
to change their behavior before he stopped condemning them.
He is finished condemning, but that does not mean that he has
a relationship with all people. People must choose to own up to
their sin and repent, then God will open himself to them. Rec-
onciliation involves two. Do not think that because you have for-
given that you have to reconcile. You can offer reconciliation,
but it must be contingent upon the other person owning her
behavior and bringing forth trustworthy fruits.
Internal Resistances
We have to have good boundaries, not only externally, as we
have seen in the last section, but also internally, to say no to the
flesh as it wants to have dominion over us. Let’s look at bound-
aries in regard to our internal resistance to growth.
Human Need
Jane was in therapy because of her pattern of picking
destructive men. She quickly fell in love with men who were
very smooth and charming. In the beginning it was always
“great.” They would seem to be “what she always wanted” and
to fulfill some missing part within her.
She would coast along for a while in this state, then she
would slowly “lose herself” in the relationship and find herself
giving in to things she did not want to give in to, doing things she
did not want to do, and giving things she did not want to give.
The men she had fallen for would turn out to be very self-
Boundaries