251centered and unable to see her needs and respect her bound-
aries. Before long she would be miserable.
She would talk with friends, who would tell her what she
already knew: the guy is a jerk, and you should tell him to take
a hike. But she would not act on this knowledge, and she would
be in bondage to the relationship, unable to leave. She lacked
boundaries. She could not say no.
As we began to look at this pattern in Jane’s life, we discov-
ered that the drive to stay with these men was motivated by
Jane’s desire to ward off the depression she would feel if she
separated. We further discovered that the depression was rooted
in a very empty place inside Jane that had never been filled by
her father. Jane’s father had been very much like the men she
would pick, unavailable to her emotionally and unwilling to
show love to her. She was trying to fill the space her father
should have filled with destructive people who would never ful-
fill this need. Jane’s internal resistance to setting the boundaries
was this unmet developmental need from childhood.
God has designed us with very specific needs from the fam-
ily we grew up in. We have talked about these before and have
written extensively about them elsewhere.^1 When we have unmet
needs, we need to take inventory of these broken places inside
and begin to have those needs met in the body of Christ so that
we will be strong enough to fight the boundary fights of adult life.
These unmet developmental needs are responsible for much
of our resistance to setting boundaries. God has designed us to
grow up in godly families where parents do the things he has
commanded. They nurture us, they have good boundaries, they
forgive and help us resolve the split between good and bad, and
they empower us to become responsible adults. But many
people have not had this experience. They are psychological
orphans who need to be adopted and cared for by the body of
Christ; to differing extents, this is true of all of us.
Unresolved Grief and Loss
If the “unmet needs” resistance has to do with getting the
“good,” grief has to do with letting go of the “bad.” Many times
Resistance to Boundaries