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when someone is unable to set boundaries, it is because they can-
not let go of the person with whom they are fused. Jane kept trying
to get her need for a caring and loving father met. But to get this
need met, Jane was going to have to let go of what she could never
have: her father’s love. This was going to be a huge loss to her.
The Bible is full of examples of God asking people to “leave
behind” the people and lives that are not good for them. He
asked the Israelites to leave Egypt to have a better life, but many
of them kept looking back, holding on to what they thought was
better. When Lot and his wife left Sodom, the warning was to
not look back, yet she did, and turned to salt.
The basic rule in biblical recovery is that the life before God
is not worth holding on to; we must lose it, grieve it, and let go
so that he can give us good things. We tend to hold on to the
hope that “someday they will love me” and continue to try to get
someone who is unable to love us to change. This wish must be
mourned and let go so that our hearts can be opened to the new
things that God wants for us.
Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing
the love that you have craved for a long time. To start to say no
to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what
you do not have with them, instead of still working hard to get
it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps
you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting
go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief.
And that is sad indeed.
We play the “if onlys,” instead of having boundaries. We say
to ourselves, unconsciously, “if only I would try harder instead
of confronting his perfectionistic demands, he will like me.” Or,
“if only I would give in to her wishes and not make her angry,
she will love me.” Giving up boundaries to get love postpones
the inevitable: the realization of the truth about the person, the
embracing of the sadness of that truth, and the letting go and
moving on with life.
Let’s look at the steps you need to take to face this internal
resistance:
Boundaries