Boundaries

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1. Own your boundarylessness. Admit that you have a prob-
   lem. Own the fact that if you are being controlled, manipulated,
   or abused, the problem is not that you are with a bad person and
   your misery is their fault. The problem is that you lack boundaries.
   Don’t blame someone else. You are the one with the problem.


2. Realize the resistance. You may think, “Oh, I just need to
   set some limits,” and that you are then on the road to getting
   better. If it were this easy, you would have done it years earlier.
   Confess that you do not want to set boundaries because you are
   afraid. You sabotage your freedom because of inside resistance
   (Rom. 7:15, 19).


3. Seek grace and truth. As in every other step in the process,
   you cannot face these hard truths in a vacuum. You need the sup-
   port of others to help you own up to your internal resistance and
   also to empower you to do the work of grief. Good grief can only
   take place in relationship. We need grace from God and others.


4. Identify the wish. Behind the failure to set limits is the fear
   of loss. Identify whose love you are going to have to give up if you
   choose to live. Place a name to it. Who are you going to have to
   place on the altar and give to God? Your strong tie to that person
   is keeping you stuck. “You are not restrained by us, but you are
   restrained in your own affections” (2 Cor. 6:12 NASB). Like the
   Corinthians who could not open up to Paul’s love, you get stuck
   in your “affections,” your ties to people you need to let go of.


5. Let go. In the safety of your supportive relationships, face
   what you will never have from this person, or who this person
   symbolizes. This will be like a funeral. You will go through the
   stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance.
   You may not necessarily go through these stages in this order,
   but you will probably feel all these emotions. This is normal.
   Get with your supportive people and talk about your losses.
   These wishes run very deep and may be very painful to face; you
   may need to see a professional counselor. To let go of what you
   never had is difficult. But in the end you will save your life by
   losing it. Only God can fill the empty place with the love of his
   people and himself.

Resistance to Boundaries