255person in the world that they could depend on, and so his anger
frightened them. The other one saw it from an adult’s eyes and
knew that if this man could not get his act together, they could
move on.
The problem was internal for two of the three partners. The
same angry man got two different responses. The first two resisted
setting limits; the third did not. The determining factor was inside
the man with the boundary skills, not with the angry man.
If angry people can make you lose your boundaries, you
probably have an angry person in your head that you still fear.
You will need to work through some of the hurt you experienced
in that angry past. A hurt, frightened part of you needs to be
exposed to the light and the healing of God and his people. You
need love to allow you to let go of that angry parent and stand
up to the adults you now face.
Here are the steps you need to take:
- Realize it is a problem.
- Go talk to someone about your paralysis. You will not
work this out alone. - In your support relationships, find the source of your fear
and begin to recognize the person in your head that the angry
person represents. - Talk out your hurts and feelings regarding these past
issues. - Practice the boundary-setting skills in this book.
- Don’t go into automatic pilot and give up your boundaries
either by fighting or by being passive. Give yourself time and
space until you can respond. If you need physical distance, get
it. But don’t give up your boundaries. - When you are ready, respond. Stick to self-control state-
ments. Stick to your decisions. Just reiterate what you will do or not
do, and let them be angry. Tell them that you care for them; maybe
ask if you can do anything else to help. But your no still stands. - Regroup. Talk to your support people about the interac-
tion and see if you kept your ground, lost ground, or were
attacking. Many times you will feel mean when you were not,
Resistance to Boundaries