261it and how bad your parents were, that will somehow clear the
account. Or you could “take it out” on someone else, repeating
the sin they did to you on someone else—or on them—to even
the score. Or you could continue to try and convince them of
how bad they are. You think that if they just understood, they
would make it better. They would pay what they owe.
Nothing is wrong with wanting things to be resolved. The
problem is that things will get resolved in only one way: with
grace and forgiveness. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
does not work. The wrong can never be undone. But it can be
forgiven and thereby rendered powerless.
To forgive means to write it off. Let it go. Tear up the
account. It is to render the account “canceled.” “Having can-
celed the written code, with its regulations, that was against us
and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the
cross” (Col. 2:14).
To forgive means we will never get from that person what was
owed us. And that is what we do not like, because that involves
grieving for what will never be: The past will not be different.
For some, this means grieving the childhood that never was.
For others it means other things, but to hang on to the demand
is to stay in unforgiveness, and that is the most destructive thing
we can do to ourselves.
Warning: Forgiveness and opening up to more abuse are not
the same thing. Forgiveness has to do with the past. Reconcilia-
tion and boundaries have to do with the future. Limits guard my
property until someone has repented and can be trusted to visit
again. And if they sin, I will forgive again, seventy times seven.
But I want to be around people who honestly fail me, not dis-
honestly deny that they have hurt me and have no intent to do
better. That is destructive for me and for them. If people are
owning their sin, they are learning through failure. We can ride
that out. They want to be better, and forgiveness will help. But
if someone is in denial, or only giving lip service to getting bet-
ter, without trying to make changes, or seeking help, I need to
keep my boundaries, even though I have forgiven them.
Resistance to Boundaries