305problem, and where is it? Is it in you, or is it in me? Once we
know the boundaries, we know who should be owning
whichever problem we are wrestling with. For example, Joe was
not taking ownership of his feelings, and Caroline, of her behav-
ior. This issue of “ownership” is vital to any relationship, espe-
cially marriage.
Responsibility
Boundaries help us to determine who is responsible for what.
If we understand who owns what, we then know who must take
responsibility for it. If I could get Joe to see that his reactions
were his problem and not Caroline’s, then I could help him to
take responsibility for changing his reactions. As long as he
blamed Caroline for his reactions, then she had to change for his
reactions to change. In his mind, if she were not so controlling,
for example, he would not be so angry.
If we can discover who is responsible for what, we have an
opportunity for change. If we can see that the problem is our
problem and that we are responsible for it, then we are in the
driver’s seat of change. For the first time, we are empowered.
When Caroline got a sense that she was responsible for the mis-
ery she thought Joe was causing, she was empowered to change
that helpless, powerless feeling of misery, no matter what Joe
was doing. Once she began to take responsibility for her reac-
tions to Joe, she could work on changing them. For example, she
learned not to let his anger affect her and to respond to him
more directly. She also learned to stop nagging him to do things,
and instead to ask him to do something and give him choices.
Responsibility also involves action. If something is going to
happen, it’s going to happen because we take action. We need
to change some attitudes, or behaviors, or reactions, or choices.
We must actively participate in the resolution of whatever rela-
tional problem we might have, even if it is not our fault.
Once Joe saw that his anger was his problem and not Caro-
line’s, he took responsibility for it. He learned he was not going to
be “not angry” because Caroline changed. He was going to be
What’s a Boundary, Anyway?