This thinking focuses on the mother of the past, not on the
process of mothering in the present. Thinking that resolution will
come from blaming parents, trying to get them to change, or con-
tinuing to process the events of the past, they miss out on the nec-
essary character change that leads to real healing.
While we believe that working out one’s relationship with
one’s mother is very important in the growth process, it is not the
whole picture. We must also look at the process of mothering in
the present as well.
Therefore, the two considerations that we will be focusing on in
this book are your relationship with your mother andthe process of
mothering itself. Let’s look at each one of those issues for a moment.
YOUR MOM
When we talk about “dealing with the past,” we aren’t saying to “go
back into the past.” You cannot go back to 1950, 1960, 1970, or even
yesterday to deal with mother. But, dealing with mother is possible
because, whether you like it or not, she lives with you every day in
the present.
Two very important issues are at work every day that result
from unresolved aspects of our relationship with mother. The first
issue has to do with the feelings we have for our mother, the
injuries we felt from her, and the needs that she didn’t meet. The
second issue is the dynamics and patterns of relating that we
learned in our relationship with mom. The first deals with how we
feel today about the past; the second deals with how we repeat pat-
terns from the past.Leftover Feelings
Let’s look at the first issue—the feelings that we have toward
our mother.
Jim and Debbie were preparing for a trip. She was packing,
and he was getting the car ready when Debbie suddenly remem-
bered that it was time to change the oil in her car. She walked out