Boundaries

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to provide a consistent, warm, loving, and predictable emotional
environment for him or her. During this stage, Mom’s job is to
woo the child into entering a relationship with the world—via
attachment with her. (Most often, this is Mom’s job, but Dad or
a caregiver can do this as well.)
Bonding takes place when the mother responds to the needs
of the child, the needs for closeness, for being held, for food,
and for changing. As baby experiences needs and the mother’s
positive response to those needs, he or she begins to internalize,
or take in, an emotional picture of a loving, constant mother.
Babies, at this stage, have no sense of self apart from Mother.
They think, “Mommy and me are the same.” It’s sometimes
called symbiosis, a sort of “swimming in closeness” with Mother.
This symbiotic union is the reason babies panic when Mother
isn’t around. No one can comfort them but their mother.
The emotional picture developed by infants forms from
thousands of experiences in the first few months of life. The ulti-
mate goal of Mother’s “being there” is a state called emotional
object constancy. Object constancy refers to the child’s having
an internal sense of belonging and safety, even away from the
presence of the mother. All those experiences of constant lov-
ing pay off in a child’s inner sense of security. It’s been built in.
Object constancy is referred to in the Bible as “being rooted
and established in love” (Eph. 3:17) and as having been “rooted
and built up in [Christ]” (Col. 2:7). It illustrates the principle
that God’s plan for us is to be loved enough by him and others,
to not feel isolated—even when we’re alone.^2
Bonding is the prelude. As children learn to feel safe and at
home with their primary relationships, they are building good
foundations to withstand the separateness and conflict that
comes with boundary development.

Separation and Individuation: The Construction of a Soul

“It’s like a switch was thrown,” said Millie to the friends who
made up her church Mom’s Group. The Mom’s Group provided

How Boundaries Are Developed