INTRODUCTION

—thenitislikelythatyouareconfusingegoattachmentand
addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner
onemomentandattackhimorherthenext.Truelovehasno
opposite. If your "love"has an opposite, then it is not love
buta strongego-needforamorecompleteanddeepersense
of self,a need that theother person temporarily meets. It is
the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it
almostdoesfeellikesalvation.
But there comes apoint when your partner behaves in
waysthatfailtomeetyourneeds,orratherthoseofyourego.
Thefeelingsof fear,pain,andlackthat are anintrinsic part
ofegoicconsciousnessbuthadbeencoveredupbythe"love
relationship" now resurface. Just as with every other
addiction,youareona high when the drugisavailable,but
invariablytherecomesatimewhenthedrugnolongerworks
foryou.Whenthosepainfulfeelingsreappear,youfeelthem
evenmore stronglythanbefore,andwhat is more, younow
perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This
means that you project them outward and attack the other
with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This
attackmayawakenthepartner'sownpain,andheorshemay
counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still
unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at
manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your
partnertochangetheirbehavior,sothatitcanusethemagain
asacover-upforyourpain.
Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to
faceandmovethroughyourownpain.Everyaddictionstarts
with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you
are addicted to— alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a
person—youareusingsomethingorsomebodytocoverup
yourpain.Thatiswhy,aftertheinitialeuphoriahaspassed,
there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate
relationships.Theydonotcausepainandunhappiness.They
bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.
Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point
where it does not work for youanymore, and then you feel