The Foundation Question: “What Do You Want?”
Taking responsibility for your own freedom is notoriously difficult
to do. Block defined an adult-to-adult relationship as one in which
you are “able to ask for what you want, knowing that the answer
may be No.” That’s why at the heart of this book is this simple but
potent question, “What do you want?” I sometimes call it the
Goldfish Question because it often elicits that response: slightly
bugged eyes, and a mouth opening and closing with no sound
coming out. Here’s why the question is so difficult to answer.
We often don’t know what we actually want. Even if there’s a
first, fast answer, the question “But what do you really want?” will
typically stop people in their tracks.
But even if you do know what you want, what you really really
want, it’s often hard to ask for it. We make up reasons about why
it’s not appropriate just now to make the request; it’s because the
timing’s not right, or the person’s only going to say No, or Who are
you anyway to make such a boldfaced ask? What we want is often
left unsaid.
But even if you know what you want and are courageous
enough to ask for what you want, it’s often hard to say it in a way
that’s clearly heard and understood. Sometimes the responsibility
for that rests with you. You’ve found a way to hide what you want
under layers of rhetoric; or been distracted from what you really
want with various other, less important hopes; or trusted that the