understanding of how you might best address the want. And
there’s a flip side to that as well. As you frame your own request
for what you want, see if you can articulate what the need is
behind the request.
Ask a Question. Trade Answers.
I was not a successful law student. I remember almost nothing
from my classes, and I ended my studies by being sued by one of
my lecturers for defamation. It’s a long story.
But one thing that has stuck in my brain is that the essence of a
legal contract is an exchange of value. It turns out that this
principle can help you build more resilient and mutually
beneficial relationships with the people with whom you work.
There are times when simply asking a question is the thing to
do. And there are other times when sharing your answer to that
same question can increase its impact. “What do you want?” is an
extraordinarily strong question. Its power is amplified when you
not only ask the question of the person you’re working with but
also answer the question for yourself. It takes us back to Peter
Block’s point, mentioned at the start of the chapter, about the
nature of adult-to-adult conversations. When we each understand
what the other wants, we’re in the middle of an interesting and
worthwhile conversation. And part of the reason for that is the
neuroscience of engagement.