caredfor,understood,andrespected.Itisequallyimportantformentofeelappreciated,accepted,and
trusted.Thebiggestprobleminrelationshipsoccurswhenawomansharesherupsetfeelingsand,asa
result,amanfeelsunloved.
Tohim,hernegativefeelingsmaysoundcritical,blaming,demanding,andresentful.Whenherejectsher
feelings,shethenfeelsunloved.Thesuccessofarelationshipissolelydependentontwofactors:aman's
abilitytolistenlovinglyandrespectfullytoawoman'sfeelings,andawoman'sabilitytoshareherfeelings
inalovingandrespectfulway.
Arelationshiprequiresthatpartnerscommunicatetheirchangingfeelingsandneeds.Toexpectperfect
communicationiscertainlytooidealistic.Fortunately,betweenhereandperfectionthereisalotofroom
forgrowth.
Realistic Expectations
TTTTooooeeeexxxxppppeeeeccccttttccccoooommmmmmmmuuuunnnniiiiccccaaaattttiiiioooonnnn aaaallllwwwwaaaayyyyssssttttoooobbbbeeeeeeeeaaaassssyyyyiiiissssuuuunnnnrrrreeeeaaaalllliiiissssttttiiiicccc.... Some feelings are very difficultto
communicate without hurting the listener. Couples who have wonderful and loving relationships will
sometimesagonizeoverhowtocommunicateinaway thatworksforbothpeople.Itisdifficulttrulyto
understandanotherperson'spointofview,especiallywhenheorsheisnotsayingwhatyouwanttohear.
Itisalsohardtoberespectfulofanotherwhenyourownfeelingshavebeenhurt.
Many couplesmistakenly think thattheir inability tocommunicatesuccessfully andlovinglymeansthey
don'tloveeachotherenough.Certainlylovehasalottodowithit,butcommunicationskillisamuchmore
importantingredient.Fortunately,it'salearnableskill.
How We Learn to Communicate
Successfulcommunicationwouldbesecondnatureifwegrewupinfamiliesthatwerealreadycapableof
honestandlovingcommunication.Butinpreviousgenerations,so--calledlovingcommunicationgenerally
meant avoiding negative feelings. It was often as if negative feelings were a shamefulsickness and
somethingtobelockedawayinthecloset.
In less "civilized" families what was considered loving communication might include acting out or
rationalizingnegativefeelingsthroughphysicalpunishment, yelling,spanking,whipping,andallkindsof
verbalabuse--allinthenameoftryingtohelpthechildrenlearnrightfromwrong.
Hadourparentslearnedtocommunicatelovingly,withoutsuppressingnegativefeelings,weaschildren
wouldhavebeensafetodiscoverandexploreourownnegativereactionsandfeelingsthroughtrialand
error.Through positiverolemodelswewouldhavelearnedsuccessfully howtocommunicate--especially
ourdifficultfeelings.Asaresultofeighteenyearsoftrialanderrorinexpressingourfeelings,wewould