havegraduallylearnedtoexpressourfeelingsrespectfullyandappropriately.Ifthishadbeenthecase,we
wouldnotneedtheLoveLetterTechnique.
lf Our Past Were Different
Had ourpastbeen different,wewould havewatchedour father successfully andlovingly listentoour
motherexpandandexpressherfrustrationsanddisappointments.Daily wewouldhaveexperiencedour
fathergivingourmotherthelovingcaringandunderstandingthatsheneededfromherlovinghusband.
We would have watched our mother trusting our father and sharing her feelings openly, without
disapprovingorblaminghirn.Wewouldhaveexperiencedhowapersoncouldbeupsetwithoutpushing
someoneawaywithmistrust,emotionalmanipulation,avoidance,disapproval,condescension,orcoldness.
Throughoutoureighteenyearsofgrowingupwewouldgraduallybeabletomasterourownemotionsjust
aswehavemasteredwalkingormath.Itwouldbealearnedskill,likewalking,jumping,singing,reading,
andbalancingacheckbook.
Butitdidn't happen that way for most ofus. Instead wespenteighteen years learning unsuccessful
communication skills. Because we lack education in how to communicate feelings, itis a difficultand
seeminglyinsurmountabletasktocommunicatelovinglywhenwearehavingnegativefeelings.
Tocometounderstandhowdifficultthisis,consideryouranswerstothesefollowingquestions:
1 .Whenyouarefeelingangryorresentful,howdoyouexpressloveif,whileyouweregrowingup,your
parentseitherarguedorconspiredtoavoidarguing?
2 .Howdoyougetyourkidstolistentoyouwithoutyellingorpunishingthemifyourparentsyelledand
punishedyoutomaintaincontrol?
3 .Howdoyouaskformoresupportif,evenasachild,youfeltrepeatedlyneglectedanddisappointed?
4 .Howdoyouopenupandshareyourfeelingsifyouareafraidofbeingrejected?
5 .Howdoyoutalktoyourpartnerifyourfeelingssay"Ihateyou"?
6 .Howdoyousay"Iamsorry"if,asachild,youwerepunishedformakingmistakes?
7 .Howcanyouadmityourmistakesifyouareafraidofpunishmentandrejection?
8 .Howcanyoushowyourfeelingsif,asachild,youwererepeatedlyrejectedorjudgedforbenupsetand
crying?
9 .Howareyousupposedtoaskforwhatyouwantif,asachild,youwererepeatedlymadetofeelwrong
forwantingmore?