mother.AftershewroteaLoveLettertoherfatherandreleasedhernegativefeelings,shesuddenlyfelt
attractedagaintoPhil.
AsyoubeginpracticingLoveLetters,youmaynotalwaysexperiencepastmemoriesandfeelings.Butas
youopenupandgodeeperintoyourfeelings,itwillbecomeclearerthatwhenyouarereallyupsetitis
aboutsomethinginyourpastaswell.
THEDELAYEDREACTIONRESPONSE...........................................................................................
Justaslovemaybringupourpastunresolvedfeelings,sodoesgettingwhatyouwant.IrememberwhenI
firstlearnedaboutthis.ManyyearsagoIhadwantedsexfrommypartner,butshewasn'tinthemood.In
my mindIaccepted that. Thenextday Ihintedaround,and shestillwasnotinterested. Thispattern
continuedeveryday.
BytheendoftwoweeksIwasbeginningtofeelresentful.ButatthattimeinmylifeIdidn'tknowhowto
communicatefeelings.InsteadoftalkingaboutmyfeelingsandmyfrustrationIjustkeptpretendingasif
everything were OK. I was stuffing my negative feelings and trying to be loving. For two weeks my
resentmentcontinuedtobuild.
IdideverythingIknewtopleaseherandmakeherhappy,whileinsideIwasresentingherrejectionofme.
AttheendoftwoweeksI wentoutandboughtherapretty nightgown. Ibroughtithomeand that
eveningIgaveittoher.Sheopenedtheboxandwashappilysurprised.Iaskedhertotryiton.Shesaid
shewasn'tinthemood.
AtthispointIgaveup.Ijustforgotaboutsex.Iburiedmyselfinworkandgaveupmydesireforsex.In
mymindImadeitOKbysuppressingmyfeelingsofresentment.Abouttwoweekslater,however,whenI
camehomefromwork,shehadpreparedaromanticmealandwaswearingthenightgownIhadbought
hertwoweeksbefore.Thelightswerelowandsoftmusicwasoninthebackground.
Youcanimaginemyreaction.AllofasuddenIfeltasurgeofresentment.InsideIfelt"Nowyousufferfor
fourweeks."AlloftheresentmentthatIhadsuppressedforthelastfourweekssuddenlywascomingup.
AftertalkingaboutthesefeelingsIrealizedthatherwillingnesstogivemewhatIwantedreleasedmyold
resentments.
When Couples Suddenly Fed Their Resentment
I began to seethispattern in many othersituations. In my counseling practice, I also observed this
phenomenon. When onepartnerwas finally willing tomakea changefor thebetter, theotherwould
becomesuddenlyindifferentandunappreciative.