Similarly,amanwhogiveslessshouldnotblamehispartnerforbeingnegativeorunreceptivetohim.In
bothcases,blamingdoesnotwork.
Understanding,trust,compassion, acceptance, andsupport arethe solution, notblamingour partners.
When this situation occurs, instead of blaming hisfemale partner for being resentful, aman can be
compassionateandofferhissupportevenifshedoesn'taskforit,listentoherevenifatfirstitsoundslike
blame,andhelphertotrustandopenuptohimbydoinglittlethingsforhertoshowthathecares.
Instead ofblamingaman forgivingless,awomancanacceptandforgiveherpartner'simperfections,
especiallywhenhedisappointsher,trustthathewantstogivemorewhenhedoesn'tofferhissupport,
andencouragehimtogivemorebyappreciatingwhathedoesgiveandcontinuingtoaskforhissupport.
SETTINGANDRESPECTINGLIMITS...............................................................................................
Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries ofwhat shecan give without
resentingherpartner.Insteadofexpectingherpartnertoeventhescore,sheneedstokeepitevenby
regulatinghowmuchshegives.
Let's look atanexample. Jim wasthirty-nine andhiswife, Susan, wasforty-onewhen they camefor
counseling.Susanwantedadivorce.Shecomplainedthatshehadbeengivingmorethanhehadfortwelve
years and could not take it anymore. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and
unromantic.Shesaidshehadnothinglefttogiveandwasreadytoleave.Heconvincedhertocometo
therapy,butshewasdoubtful.Inasix-monthperiodtheywereabletomovethroughthethreestepsfor
healingarelationship.Todaytheyarehappilymarriedwiththreechildren.
StepI:Motivation
IexplainedtoJimthathiswifewasexperiencingtwelveyearsofaccumulatedresentment.Ifhewantedto
savethismarriage,hewouldhavetodoalotoflisteningforhertobemotivatedtoworkontheirmarriage.
Forthefirstsixsessionstogether,IencouragedSusantoshareherfeelingsandhelpedJimpatientlyto
understandhernegativefeelings.Thiswasthehardestpartoftheirhealingprocess.Ashebegantoreally
hearherpainandunfulfilledneeds,hebecameincreasinglymotivatedandconfidentthathecouldmake
thechangesnecessarytohavealovingrelationship.
BeforeSusancouldbemotivatedtoworkontheirrelationship,sheneededtobeheardandfeelthatJim
validatedherfeelings:thiswasthefirststep.AfterSusanfeltunderstood,theywereabletoproceedtothe
nextstep.
Step 2 :Responsibility
Thesecondstepwastakingresponsibility.Jimneededtotakeresponsibilityfornotsupportinghiswife,