mentalfiguringandwarnmethatIhadn'tleftenoughtimetocatchmyplane.Eachtimeshethoughtshe
wassupportingme,butIdidn'tfeelit.Ifeltoffended.Ihadbeentravelingaroundtheworldforfourteen
yearsteachingcourses,andIhadnevermissedaplane.
Theninthemorning,beforeIleft,sheaskedmeastringofquestionssuchas,"Doyouhaveyourticket?
Doyouhaveyourwallet?Doyouhaveenoughmoney?Didyoupacksocks?Doyouknowwhereyouare
staying?"Shethoughtshewaslovingme,butIfeltmistrustedandwasannoyed.EventuallyIletherknow
thatIappreciatedherlovingintentionbutthatIdidn'tlikebeingmotheredinthisway.
Isharedwithherthatifshewantedtomotherme,thentheway Iwantedtobemotheredwastobe
unconditionallylovedandtrusted.Isaid,"IfImissaplane,don'ttellme'Itoldyouso.'TrustthatIwill
learnmylessonandadjustaccordingly.IfIforgetmytoothbrushorshavingkit,letmedealwithit.Don't
tellmeaboutitwhenIcall."WithanawarenessofwhatIwanted,insteadofwhatshewouldhavewanted,
itwaseasierforhertosucceedinsupportingme.
A Success Story
Once,onatriptoSwedentoteachmyrelationshipseminar,Icalledback toCaliforniafromNewYork,
informingBonniethatIhadleftmypassportathome.Shereactedinsuchabeautifulandlovingway.She
didn'tlecturemeonbeingmoreresponsible.Insteadshelaughedandsaid,"Ohmygoodness,John,you
havesuchadventures.Whatareyougoingtodo?"
I asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, andthe problem was solved. She was so
cooperative.Neveroncedidshesuccumbtolecturingmeonbeingmoreprepared.Shewasevenproudof
meforfindingasolutiontomyproblem.
MAKINGLITTLECHANGES.............................................................................................................
OnedayInoticedthatwhenmychildrenaskedmetodothingsIwouldalwayssay"noproblem."Itwas
mywayofsayingIwouldbehappytodothat.MystepdaughterJulieaskedmeoneday,"Whydoyou
alwayssay'noproblem'?"Ididn'tactuallyknowrightaway.AfterawhileIrealizedthatitwasanotherof
thosedeeplyingrainedMartianhabits.WiththisnewawarenessIstartedsaying"Iwouldbehappy todo
that."ThisphraseexpressedmyimpliedmessageandcertainlyfeltmorelovingtomyVenusiandaughter.
HOWTOCOMMUNICATEWITHOUTBLAME....................................................................................
Amancommonlyfeelsattackedandblamedbyawoman'sfeelings,especiallywhensheisupsetandtalks
aboutproblems.Becausehedoesn'tunderstandhowwearedifferent,hedoesn'treadilyrelatetoherneed