loveandwarmth.Onthesurfaceshewouldtrytobeloving,butontheinsideherresentmentincreased.
Fromtimetotimeitwouldboilupandshewouldbeginanotherone-sidedinterrogationofherhusband's
feelings.Aftertwentyyearsofgatheringevidencethathedidnotloveher,shewasnolongerwillingtobe
deprivedofintimacy.
Learning to Support Each Other Without Having to Change
AttheseminarSandrasaid,"IhavespenttwentyyearstryingtogetLarrytotalk.Iwantedhimtoopenup
andbevulnerable.Ididn'trealizethatwhatIwasmissingwasamanwhowouldsupportmeinbeingopen
andvulnerable.ThatiswhatIreallyneeded.Ihavesharedmoreintimatefeelingswithmyhusbandthis
weekendthanintwenty years.Ifeelsoloved.ThisiswhatIhavebeenmissing. Ithoughthehadto
change.NowIknownothingiswrongwithhimorme.Wejustdidn'tknowhowtosupporteachother."
Sandrahad always complained thatLarrydidn'ttalk. She hadconvinced herselfthathis silencemade
intimacy impossible. Attheseminar shelearnedtoshareher feelingswithoutexpecting ordemanding
Larry to reciprocate. Insteadofrejectinghissilenceshelearnedtoappreciateit.Itmadehimabetter
listener.
Larrylearnedtheartoflistening.Hepracticedlisteningwithouttryingtofixher.Itismuchmoreeffective
toteachamantolistenthantoopenupandbevulnerable.Ashelearnstolistentosomeonehecaresfor
andisappreciatedinresponse,hegraduallywillopenupandsharemoreautomatically.
When aman feelsappreciated forlisteningand hedoesn'tfeelrejectedfornotsharingmore, hewill
graduallybegintoopenup.Whenhefeelsasthoughhedoesn'thavetotalkmore,thennaturallyhewill.
Butfirstheneedstofeelaccepted.Ifsheisstillfrustratedbyhissilencesheisforgettingthatmenare
fromMars!
WHENAMANDOESN'TPULLAWAY...............................................................................................
LisaandJimhadbeenmarriedfortwoyears.Theydideverythingtogether.Theywereneverapart.Aftera
while,Jimbecameincreasinglyirritable,passive,moody,andtemperamental.
Inaprivatecounselingsession,Lisatoldme,"Heisnolongeranyfuntobewith.Ihavetriedeverythingto
cheerhimup,butitdoesn'twork.Iwanttodofunthingstogether,likegoingtorestaurants,shopping,
traveling,goingtoplays,parties,anddancing,buthedoesn't.Weneverdoanythinganymore.Wejust
watchTV,eat,sleep,andwork.Itrytolovehim,butIamangry.Heusedtobesocharmingandromantic.
Livingwithhimnowislikelivingwithaslug.Idon'tknowwhattodo.Hejustwon'tbudge!"
Afterlearningaboutthemaleintimacycycle-therubberbandtheory-bothLisaandJimrealizedwhathad