What He Can Say Instead of Arguing
TherewasnothingwrongwithHarris'sneedtobealoneorwatchTV,norwasthereanythingwrongwith
Cathy'shurtfeelings.InsteadofarguingforhisrighttowatchTV,hecouldhavetoldhersomethinglike
this:"Iunderstandyou'reupset,andrightnowIreallyneedtowatchTVandrelax.WhenIfeelbetterwe
cantalk."ThiswouldgivehimtimetowatchTVaswellasanopportunitytocooloffandpreparehimselfto
listentohispartner'shurtwithoutmakingherhurtfeelingswrong.
Shemaynotlikethisresponse,butshewillrespectit.Ofcourseshewantshimtobehisusuallovingself,
butifheneedstopullaway,thenthatishisvalidneed.Hecannotgivewhathedoesn'thave.Whathecan
doisavoidmakingthingsworse.Thesolutionliesinrespectinghisneedsaswellashers.Heshouldtake
thetimeheneedsandthengobackandgiveherwhatsheneeds.
When a man can'tlisten to a woman's hurt feelingsbecause he needs to pull away, hecan say "I
understandyoufeelhurtandIneedsometimetothinkaboutit.Let'stakeatime_out."Foramanto
excusehimselfinthiswayandstoplisteningismuchbetterthantryingtoexplainawayherhurt.
What She Can Do Instead of Arguing
Inhearingthissuggestion,Cathysaid,"Ifhegetstobeinhiscavethenwhataboutme?Igivehimspace,
butwhatdoIget?"
WhatCathygetsisthebestherpartnercangiveatthetime.Bynotdemandingthathelistentoherwhen
shewantstotalk,shecanavoidmakingtheproblemmuchworsebyhavingahugeargument.Second,she
getshissupportwhenhecomesback-_whenheistrulycapableofsupportingher.
Remember,ifamanneedstopullawaylikearubberband,whenhereturnshewillbebackwithalot
morelove.Thenhecanlisten.Thisisthebesttimetoinitiateconversation.
Acceptingaman'sneedtogointothecavedoesnotmeangivinguptheneedtotalk.Itmeansgivingup
thedemandthathelistenwhenevershewantstotalk.Cathylearnedtoacceptthatsometimesamancan't
listenortalkandlearnedthatatothertimeshecould.Timingwasveryimportant.Shewasencouragednot
togiveupinitiatingconversationbuttofindthoseothertimeswhenhecouldlisten.
Whenamanpullsawayisthetimetogetmoresupportfromfriends.IfCathyfeelstheneedtotalkbut
Harriscan'tlisten,thenCathycouldtalk morewithherfriends.Itputstoomuchpressureonamanto
makehimtheonlysourceofloveandsupport.Whenawoman'swavecrashesandherpartnerisinhis
cave,itisessentialthatshehaveothersourcesofsupport.Otherwiseshecan'thelpbutfeelpowerlessand
resentherpartner.