Secret #6: There Is Power in Nice 71
because if you keep this desire unconscious, it is more likely to
slip into your words and into your actions. You will go from
being mute to being brutal, from suppression to aggression,
from silence to violence. You might not recognize it in yourself,
but others will. You cannot SpeakTall when you unconsciously
seek revenge. Listeners will hear Poison Phrases and resist.
PowerPhrases respect the other person, even if that person
is not respecting you. In my PowerPhrase seminars, I give stu-
dents carefully prepared real-world problems and ask the group
to find the words to address the issues. I begin by instructing,
“Choose your words so that your listener will leave ready to
make a change and give you what you want. But also choose
your words so your listener leaves feeling better about them-
selves and better about you than they did when they came in.”
That’s when everyone groans. The second goal makes it harder
to figure out what to say; yet it is worth the trouble. Your words
will carry more power and will win you respect.
When I tell you, “Don’t be mean when you say it,” what
kinds of “meanness” do you need to watch out for?
Watch out for blame. Take this next guideline to heart—
ELIMINATE BLAME! Yep, eliminate it! You can—and you
must—let people know what you think, feel, and want with NO
BLAME AT ALL!
For example, instead of saying,
You are vicious.say,
I am offended by your remark.Instead of saying,