72 The Six Secrets of PowerPhrases
You are not making a bit of sense.say,
I don’t understand.Instead of saying,You’re not paying attention.say,
I don’t feel heard.Do you see what these Poison Phrases have in common?
They begin with the word “you.” Watch yourself next time you
start a sentence with “you.” There is a very good chance you will
follow with blame. Instead of blame, factually describe the sit-
uation from the perspective of what you think, feel, and want.
This is difficult because when you are upset with people you
believe they are to blame. They are vicious, they aren’t making
sense, they aren’t paying attention—so why can’t you tell it like
it is?
The answer is that your judgments aren’t reality. Your judg-
ments are the story you tell yourself about reality. When you
communicate your judgments, you trigger their defensiveness.
There are three stories—yours, theirs, and the facts. By the
facts I mean the story a neutral party would tell.
When my computer-genius son refused to help with my
computer, my story was
David has an attitude.