Mammy rolled onto her back. Laila shifted, rested her head on Mammy's chest.
"Some days," Mammy said in a hoarse voice, "I listen to that clock ticking in the hallway.
Then I think of all the ticks, all the minutes, all the hours and days and weeks and months
and years waiting for me. All of it without them. And I can't breathe then, like someone's
stepping on my heart, Laila. I get so weak. So weak I just want to collapse somewhere."
"I wish there was something I could do," Laila said, meaning it. But it came out sounding
broad, perfunctory, like the token consolation of a kind stranger.
"You're a good daughter," Mammy said, after a deep sigh. "And I haven't been much of a
mother to you."
"Don't say that."
"Oh, it's true. I know it and I'm sorry for it, my love."
"Mammy?"
"Mm."
Laila sat up, looking down at Mammy. There were gray strands in Mammy's hair now.
And it startled Laila how much weight Mammy, who'd always been plump, had lost. Her
cheeks had a sallow, drawn look. The blouse she was wearing drooped over her shoulders,
and there was a gaping space between her neck and the collar. More than once Laila had
seen the wedding band slide off Mammy's finger.
"I've been meaning to ask you something."
"What is it?"
"You wouldn't..." Laila began.
She'd talked about it to Hasina. At Hasina's suggestion, the two of them had emptied the
bottle of aspirin in the gutter, hidden the kitchen knives and the sharp kebab skewers
beneath the rug under the couch. Hasina had found a rope in the yard. When Babi couldn't
find his razors, Laila had to tell him of her fears. He dropped on the edge of the couch,
hands between his knees. Laila waited for some kind of reassurance from him. But all she
got was a bewildered, hollow eyed look.
"You wouldn't...Mammy I worry that "
"I thought about it the night we got the news," Mammy said. "I won't lie to you, I've
thought about it since too. But, no. Don't worry, Laila. I want to see my sons' dream come
true. I want to see the day the Soviets go home disgraced, the day the Mujahideen come to
Kabul in victory. I want to be there when it happens, when Afghanistan is free, so the boys
see it too. They'll see it through my eyes."
Mammy was soon asleep, leaving Laila with dueling emotions: reassured that Mammy
meant to live on, stung that she was not the reason. She would never leave her mark on