The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

It took me three years to whittle these definitions and concepts from a decade of interviews. Let’s
take a look.

Love:We cultivate   love    when    we  allow   our most    vulnerable  and powerful    selves  to  be  deeply  seen    and known,  and when    we  honor   the spiritual   connection  that    grows   from    that    offering    with    trust,  respect,    kindness,   and affection.

Love    is  not something   we  give    or  get;    it  is  something   that    we  nurture and grow,   a   connection  that    can only    be  cultivated  between two people  when    it  exists  within  each    one of  them—we can only    love    others  as  much    as  we  love    ourselves.Shame,    blame,  disrespect, betrayal,   and the withholding of  affection   damage  the roots   from    which   love    grows.  Love    can only    survive these   injuries    if  they    are acknowledged,   healed, and rare.

Belonging:Belonging is  the innate  human   desire  to  be  part    of  something   larger  than    us. Because this    yearning    is  so  primal, we  often   try to  acquire it  by  fitting in  and by  seeking approval,   which   are not only    hollow  substitutes for belonging,  but often   barriers    to

it. Because true    belonging   only    happens when    we  present our authentic,  imperfect   selves  to  the world,  our sense   of  belonging   can never   be  greater than    our level   of  self-acceptance.

One reason that it takes me so long to develop these concepts is that I often don’t want them to be
true. It would be different if I studied the effect of bird poop on potting soil, but this stuff is personal
and often painful. Sometimes, as I turned to the data to craft definitions like the ones above, I would
cry. I didn’t want my level of self-love to limit how much I can love my children or my husband.
Why? Because loving them and accepting their imperfections is much easier than turning that light of
loving-kindness on myself.

If you look at the definition of love and think about what it means in terms of self-love, it’s very
specific. Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect,
and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves. This is a tall order given how hard most of us are
on ourselves. I know I can talk to myself in ways that I would never consider talking to another
person. How many of us are quick to think, God, I’m so stupid and Man, I’m such an idiot? Just like
calling someone we love stupid or an idiot would be incongruent with practicing love, talking like
that to ourselves takes a serious toll on our self-love.

It’s worth noting that I use the words innate and primal in the definition of belonging. I’m
convinced that belonging is in our DNA, most likely connected to our most primitive survival
instinct. Given how difficult it is to cultivate self-acceptance in our perfectionist society and how our
need for belonging is hardwired, it’s no wonder that we spend our lives trying to fit in and gain
approval.

It’s so much easier to say, “I’ll be whoever or whatever you need me to be, as long as I feel like I’m
part of this.” From gangs to gossiping, we’ll do what it takes to fit in if we believe it will meet our
need for belonging. But it doesn’t. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and
when we’re embraced for who we are.

Practicing  Love    and Belonging

To  begin   by  always  thinking    of  love    as  an  action  rather  than    a   feeling is  one way in  which   anyone  using   the word    in  this    manner  automatically   assumes accountability  and responsibility.

—   BELL    HOOKS^1

While I have personally and professionally agonized over the definitions of love and belonging, I
have to admit that they have fundamentally changed the way I live and parent. When I’m tired or
stressed, I can be mean and blaming—especially toward my husband, Steve. If I truly love Steve (and,
oh man, I do), then how I behave every day is as important, if not more important, than saying “I love
you” every day. When we don’t practice love with the people we claim to love, it takes a lot out of us.
Incongruent living is exhausting.

It’s also pushed me to think about the important differences between professing love and practicing
love. During a recent radio interview about the rash of celebrity infidelities, the host asked me, “Can
you love someone and cheat on them or treat them poorly?”

I thought about it for a long time, then gave the best answer I could based on my work: “I don’t
know if you can love someone and betray them or be cruel to them, but I do know that when you