commonly asked questions about shame. I think it will help you wrap your head and heart around this
tough topic.
What’s the difference between shame and guilt? The majority of shame researchers and
clinicians agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences
between “I am bad” and “I did something bad.”
Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors. We feel guilty when we hold up
something we’ve done or failed to do against the kind of person we want to be. It’s an uncomfortable
feeling, but one that’s helpful. When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends to others,
or change a behavior that we don’t feel good about, guilt is most often the motivator. Guilt is just as
powerful as shame, but its effect is often positive while shame often is destructive. When we see
people apologize, make amends, or replace negative behaviors with more positive ones, guilt is often
the motivator, not shame. In fact, in my research, I found that shame corrodes the part of us that
believes we can change and do better.^2
Doesn’t shame keep us in line? Along with many other professionals, I’ve come to the conclusion
that shame is much more likely to lead to destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.
Again, it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. When we experience shame,
we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. Full of shame or the fear of shame, we are more
likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others. In fact, shame is related
to violence, aggression, depression, addiction, eating disorders, and bullying.
Children who use more shame self-talk (I am bad) versus guilt self-talk (I did something bad)
struggle mightily with issues of self-worth and self-loathing. Using shame to parent teaches children
that they are not inherently worthy of love.
Shame Researcher Heal Thyself!No matter how much you know about shame, it can sneak up on you (trust me, I speak from
experience). You can be in the middle of a shame experience without even knowing what’s happening
and why. The good news is that, with enough practice, shame resilience can also sneak up on you! The
following story not only illustrates the insidious nature of shame, it also reinforces the importance of
speaking about shame and telling our story.
For several months in 2009, my blog was featured as an example site on the hosting company’s
main page. It was really fun because I got lots of traffic from people who wouldn’t normally search
out a blog on authenticity and courage. One day I got an e-mail from a woman who liked my layout
and design. I felt proud and grateful ... until I got to this part of her e-mail:
I really like your blog. It’s very creative and easy to read. The snap of you and your girlfriend in the theater would be the only exception ... egads! I would never add a bad photo to a blog, but I am the photographer here.;-)I couldn’t believe it. The photo she was referring to was a picture that I had taken of my good
friend Laura and me sitting in a dark theater waiting for the Sex and the City movie to start. It was
opening day and we were feeling goofy and excited, so I pulled out my camera and snapped a picture.
I was so angry, confused, and shocked by this woman’s comment about my picture, but I kept
reading. She went on to ask a lot of questions about the blog’s design and then closed her e-mail by
explaining that she works with many “clueless parents” and that she plans to let them know about my