Calm Parenting by Maud Bryt.^1 Bryt’s mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother were midwives
in Holland and the book draws on their wisdom. I can still see myself sitting in my brand-new glider
with one hand resting on my very pregnant belly and the other hand holding that book. I remember
thinking, This is my goal. I want to be a calm parent.
Surprisingly, I am a pretty calm parent. Not because it comes naturally to me, but because I practice.
A lot. I also have an incredible role model in my husband, Steve. By watching him, I’ve learned about
the value of bringing perspective and quiet to difficult situations.
I try to be slow to respond and quick to think Do we even have all the information we need to make
a decision or form a response? I also stay very mindful about the effect that calm has on an anxious
person or situation. A panicked response produces more panic and more fear. As psychologist and
writer Harriet Lerner says, “Anxiety is extremely contagious, but so is calm.”^2 The question becomes,
Do we want to infect people with more anxiety, or heal ourselves and the people around us with calm?
If we choose to heal with calm, we have to commit to practicing calm. Small things matter. For
example, before we respond we can count to ten or give ourselves permission to say, “I’m not sure. I
need to think about this some more.” It’s also extremely effective to identify the emotions that are the
most likely to spark your reactivity and then practice non-reactive responses.
A couple of years ago there was this powerful public service announcement that showed a couple
screaming at each other and slamming the door in each other’s faces. They were shouting things like,
“I hate you!” and “Mind your own business!” and “I don’t want to talk to you.” As you watched it, you
had no idea what or why they kept saying these things, slamming the door, and then starting over.
After about twenty seconds of the slamming and yelling, the couple held hands and walked away from
screen. One of them says to the other, “I think we’re ready.” The commercial then cut to the
announcer, who said something like, “Talk to your kids about drugs. It’s not easy, but it could save
their lives.”
The commercial is a great example of practicing calm. Unless we had calm modeled by our parents
and grew up practicing it, it’s unlikely that it will be our default response to anxious or emotionally
volatile situations.
For me, breathing is the best place to start. Just taking a breath before I respond slows me down and
immediately starts spreading calm. Sometimes I actually think to myself, I’m dying to freak out here!
Do I have enough information to freak out? Will freaking out help? The answer is always no.
StillnessThe concept of stillness is less complicated than the concept of calm but, for me at least, way more
difficult to put into practice.
I wish I could tell you how much I resisted even hearing people describe stillness as an integral part
of their Wholehearted journey. From meditation and prayer to regular periods of quiet reflection and
alone time, men and women spoke about the necessity of quieting their bodies and minds as a way to
feel less anxious and overwhelmed.
I’m sure my resistance to this idea comes from the fact that just thinking about meditating makes
me anxious. When I try to meditate, I feel like a total poser. I spend the entire time thinking about how
I need to stop thinking, Okay, I’m not thinking about anything. I’m not thinking about anything. Milk,
diapers, laundry detergent ... stop! Okay, not thinking. Not thinking. Oh, man. Is this over yet?
I don’t want to admit it, but the truth is that stillness used to be very anxiety provoking for me. In
my mind, being still was narrowly defined as sitting cross-legged on the floor and focusing on that