Dancing with the Stars dancing—but a strong pull toward rhythm and movement. You can see this
desire to move in children. Until we teach our children that they need to be concerned with how they
look and with what other people think, they dance. They even dance naked. Not always gracefully or
with the beat, but always with joy and pleasure.
Writer Mary Jo Putney says, “What one loves in childhood stays in the heart forever.” If this is true,
and I believe it is, then dance stays in our heart, even when our head becomes overly concerned with
what people might think.
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.Being Cool and “Always in Control”
— A QUOTE FROM THE FILM ALMOST FAMOUS, 2000A good belly laugh, singing at the top of your lungs, and dancing like no one is looking are
unquestionably good for the soul. But as I mentioned, they are also exercises in vulnerability. There
are many shame triggers around the vulnerability of laughing, song, and dance. The list includes the
fear of being perceived as awkward, goofy, silly, spastic, uncool, out of control, immature, stupid,
and foolish. For most of us, this is a pretty scary list. The gremlins are constantly there to make sure
that self-expression takes a backseat to self-protection and self-consciousness.
1 . “What will people think?”
2 . “Everyone is watching—calm down!”
3 . “You look ridiculous! Get a hold of yourself.”Women spoke about the dangers of being perceived as “getting too loud” or “out of hand.” I can’t
tell you how many women told me about the painful experience of throwing caution to the wind, only
to be patronizingly told, “Whoa ... settle down.”
Men were quick to point out the dangers of being perceived as “out of control.” One man told me,
“Women say we should let loose and have fun. How attractive will they think we are if we get out on
the dance floor and look like assholes in front of other guys—or worse—your girlfriend’s friends.
It’s easier to just hang back and act like you’re not interested in dancing. Even if you really want to.”
There are many ways in which men and women hustle for worthiness around these issues, but the
two that keep us the most quiet and still are hustling to be perceived as “cool” and “in control.”
Wanting to be perceived as cool isn’t about wanting to be “The Fonz”—it’s about minimizing
vulnerability in order to reduce the risk of being ridiculed or made fun of.
We hustle for our worthiness by slipping on the emotional and behavioral straitjacket of cool and
posturing as the tragically hip and the terminally “better than.” Being “in control” isn’t always about
the desire to manipulate situations, but often it’s about the need to manage perception. We want to be
able to control what other people think about us so that we can feel good enough.
I grew up in a family where being cool and fitting in were highly valued. As an adult, I have to
constantly work at allowing myself to be vulnerable and authentic around some of these issues. I
could laugh and sing and dance as an adult, as long as I stayed clear of silly, goofy, and awkward. For
years, these were major shame triggers for me.
During my 2007 Breakdown Spiritual Awakening, I learned how much I’ve missed while
pretending to be cool. I realized that one of the reasons I’m afraid to try new things (like yoga or the
hip-hop exercise class at my gym) is my fear of being perceived as goofy and awkward.
I’ve spent a lot of time and energy working on this. It’s a slow process. I’m still only supersilly and
goofy around people I trust, but I think that’s okay. I’m also working hard not to pass this down to my