10 Heart of Darkness
fraction of a second, and then the usual sense of common-
place, deadly danger, the possibility of a sudden onslaught
and massacre, or something of the kind, which I saw im-
pending, was positively welcome and composing. It pacified
me, in fact, so much that I did not raise an alarm.
‘There was an agent buttoned up inside an ulster and
sleeping on a chair on deck within three feet of me. The
yells had not awakened him; he snored very slightly; I left
him to his slumbers and leaped ashore. I did not betray Mr.
Kurtz—it was ordered I should never betray him— it was
written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice. I
was anxious to deal with this shadow by myself alone—and
to this day I don’t know why I was so jealous of sharing with
any one the peculiar blackness of that experience.
‘As soon as I got on the bank I saw a trail—a broad trail
through the grass. I remember the exultation with which I
said to myself, ‘He can’t walk—he is crawling on all-fours—
I’ve got him.’ The grass was wet with dew. I strode rapidly
with clenched fists. I fancy I had some vague notion of fall-
ing upon him and giving him a drubbing. I don’t know. I
had some imbecile thoughts. The knitting old woman with
the cat obtruded herself upon my memory as a most im-
proper person to be sitting at the other end of such an affair.
I saw a row of pilgrims squirting lead in the air out of Win-
chesters held to the hip. I thought I would never get back to
the steamer, and imagined myself living alone and unarmed
in the woods to an advanced age. Such silly things—you
know. And I remember I confounded the beat of the drum
with the beating of my heart, and was pleased at its calm