Anger
Controlling anger is something else that’s a problem for many people. Something triggers
their temper and off they go, losing control of their mouths or worse. Here, too, people may vow
that next time they’ll be different. Anger control is a big issue between partners and between
parents and children, not only because partners and children do things that make us angry, but
also because we may think we have a greater right to let loose when they do. Try this one.
The Dilemma. Imagine you’re a nice, caring person—as you probably are—usually. You
love your spouse and feel lucky to have them as your partner. But when they violate one of your
rules, like letting the garbage overflow before taking it out, you feel personally betrayed and start
criticizing. It begins with “I’ve told you a thousand times,” then moves on to “You never do
anything right.” When they still don’t seem properly ashamed, you flare, insulting their
intelligence (“Maybe you aren’t smart enough to remember garbage”) and their character (“If
you weren’t so irresponsible, you wouldn’t.. .” “If you cared about anyone but yourself, you’d.
. .”). Seething with rage, you then bring in everything you can think of to support your case: “My
father never trusted you, either,” or “Your boss was right when he said you were limited.” Your
spouse has to leave the premises to get out of range of your mounting fury.
The Fixed-Mindset Reaction. You feel righteous about your anger for a while, but then
you realize you’ve gone too far. You suddenly recall all the ways that your spouse is a supportive
partner and feel intensely guilty. Then you talk yourself back into the idea that you, too, are a
good person, who’s just slipped up—lost it—temporarily. “I’ve really learned my lesson,” you
think, “I’ll never do this again.”
But believing you can simply keep that good person in the forefront in the future, you
don’t think of strategies you could use next time to prevent a flare-up. That’s why the next time
is a carbon copy of the time before.
The Growth Mindset and Self-Control
Some people think about losing weight or controlling their anger in a growth-mindset
way. They realize that to succeed, they’ll need to learn and practice strategies that work for them.
It’s like the growth-mindset chemistry students. They used better study techniques,
carefully planned their study time, and kept up their motivation. In other words, they used every
strategy possible to make sure they succeeded.
Just like them, people in a growth mindset don’t merely make New Year’s resolutions
and wait to see if they stick to them. They understand that to diet, they need to plan. They may
need to keep desserts out of the house. Or think in advance about what to order in restaurants. Or
schedule a once-a-week splurge. Or consider exercising more.
They think actively about maintenance. What habits must they develop to continue the
gains they’ve achieved?
Then there are the setbacks. They know that setbacks will happen. So instead of beating
themselves up, they ask: “What can I learn from this? What will I do next time when I’m in this
situation?” It’s a learning process—not a battle between the bad you and the good you.
In that last episode, what could you have done with your anger? First, think about why
you got so worked up. You may have felt devalued and disrespected when your spouse shirked
the tasks or broke your rules—as though they were saying to you, “You’re not important. Your
needs are trivial. I can’t be bothered.”
Your first reaction was to angrily remind them of their duty. But on the heels of that was
your retaliation, sort of “Okay big shot, if you think you’re so important, try this on for size.”
Your spouse, rather than reassuring you of your importance, simply braced for the