onslaught. Meanwhile, you took the silence as evidence that they felt superior, and it fueled your
escalation.
What can be done? Several things. First, spouses can’t read your mind, so when an
anger-provoking situation arises, you have to matter-of-factly tell them how it makes you feel.
“I’m not sure why, but when you do that, it makes me feel unimportant. Like you can’t be
bothered to do things that matter to me.”
They, in turn, can reassure you that they care about how you feel and will try to be more
watchful. (“Are you kidding?” you say. “My spouse would never do that.” Well, you can request
it directly, as I’ve sometimes done: “Please tell me that you care how I feel and you’ll try to be
more watchful.”)
When you feel yourself losing it, you can learn to leave the room and write down your
ugliest thoughts, followed by what is probably really happening (“She doesn’t understand this is
important to me,” “He doesn’t know what to do when I start to blow”). When you feel calm
enough, you can return to the situation.
You can also learn to loosen up on some of your rules, now that each one is not a test of
your partner’s respect for you. With time, you might even gain a sense of humor about them. For
example, if your spouse leaves some socks in the living room or puts the wrong things in the
recycling bins, you might point at the offending items and ask sternly, “What is the meaning of
this?” You might even have a good laugh.
When people drop the good–bad, strong–weak thinking that grows out of the fixed
mindset, they’re better able to learn useful strategies that help with self-control. Every lapse
doesn’t spell doom. It’s like anything else in the growth mindset. It’s a reminder that you’re an
unfinished human being and a clue to how to do it better next time.
MAINTAINING CHANGE
Whether people change their mindset in order to further their career, heal from a loss,
help their children thrive, lose weight, or control their anger, change needs to be maintained. It’s
amazing—once a problem improves, people often stop doing what caused it to improve. Once
you feel better, you stop taking your medicine.
But change doesn’t work that way. When you’ve lost weight, the issue doesn’t go away.
Or when your child starts to love learning, the problem isn’t solved forever. Or when you and
your partner start communicating better, that’s not the end of it. These changes have to be
supported or they can go away faster than they appeared.
Maybe that’s why Alcoholics Anonymous tells people they will always be alcoholics—so
they won’t become complacent and stop doing what they need to do to stay sober. It’s a way of
saying, “You’ll always be vulnerable.”
This is why mindset change is not about picking up a few tricks. In fact, if someone stays
inside a fixed mindset and uses the growth strategies, it can backfire.
Wes, a dad with a fixed mindset, was at his wit’s end. He’d come home exhausted from
work every evening and his son, Mickey, would refuse to cooperate. Wes wanted quiet, but
Mickey was noisy. Wes would warn him, but Mickey would continue what he was doing. Wes
found him stubborn, unruly, and not respectful of Wes’s rights as a father. The whole scene
would disintegrate into a shouting match and Mickey would end up being punished.
Finally, feeling he had nothing to lose, Wes tried some of the growth-oriented strategies.
He showed respect for Mickey’s efforts and praised his strategies when he was empathic or
helpful. The turnaround in Mickey’s behavior was dramatic.
But as soon as the turnaround took place, Wes stopped using the strategies. He had what
wang
(Wang)
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