he wanted and he expected it to just continue. When it didn’t, he became even angrier and more
punitive than before. Mickey had shown he could behave and now refused to.
The same thing often happens with fixed-mindset couples who start communicating
better. Marlene and Scott were what my husband and I call the Bickersons. All they did was
bicker: “Why don’t you ever pick up after yourself?” “I might if you weren’t such a nag.” “I
wouldn’t have to nag if you did what you were supposed to do.” “Who made you the judge of
what I’m supposed to do?”
With counseling, Marlene and Scott stopped jumping on the negatives. More and more,
they started rewarding the thoughtful things their partner did and the efforts their partner made.
The love and tenderness they thought were dead returned. But once it returned, they reverted. In
the fixed mindset, things shouldn’t need such effort. Good people should just act good and good
relationships should just unfold in a good way.
When the bickering resumed, it was fiercer than ever because it reflected all of their
disappointed hopes.
Mindset change is not about picking up a few pointers here and there. It’s about seeing
things in a new way. When people—couples, coaches and athletes, managers and workers,
parents and children, teachers and students—change to a growth mindset, they change from a
judge-and-be-judged framework to a learn-and-help-learn framework. Their commitment is to
growth, and growth takes plenty of time, effort, and mutual support.
Learn and Help Learn
Every day presents you with ways to grow and to help the people you care about grow.
How can you remember to look for these chances? Each morning, as you contemplate the day in
front of you, try to ask yourself these questions. Copy them over and paste them on your mirror:
What are the opportunities for learning and growth today? For myself? For the people around
me?
As you think of opportunities, form a plan, and ask:
When, where, and how will I embark on my plan?
When, where, and how make the plan concrete. How asks you to think of all the ways to
bring your plan to life and make it work.
As you encounter the inevitable obstacles and setbacks, form a new plan and ask yourself
the question again:
When, where, and how will I act on my new plan?
Regardless of how bad you may feel, do it! (Put that on your mirror, too.)
And when you succeed, don’t forget to ask yourself:
What do I have to do to maintain and continue the growth?
Remember, as Alex Rodriguez, the great baseball player, says: “You either go one way or
the other.” You might as well be the one deciding the direction.
THE ROAD AHEAD
Change can be tough, but I’ve never heard anyone say it wasn’t worth it. Maybe they’re
just rationalizing, the way people who’ve gone through a painful initiation say it was worth it.
But people who’ve changed can tell you how their lives have been enhanced. They can tell you
about things they have now that they wouldn’t have had, and ways they feel now that they