In the growth mindset, there may still be that exciting initial combustion, but people in
this mindset don’t expect magic. They believe that a good, lasting relationship comes from effort
and from working through inevitable differences.
But those with the fixed mindset don’t buy that. Remember the fixed-mindset idea that if
you have ability, you shouldn’t have to work hard? This is the same belief applied to
relationships: If you’re compatible, everything should just come naturally.
Every single relationship expert disagrees with this.
Aaron Beck, noted marriage authority, says that one of the most destructive beliefs for a
relationship is “If we need to work at it, there’s something seriously wrong with our
relationship.”
Says John Gottman, a foremost relationship researcher: “Every marriage demands an
effort to keep it on the right track; there is a constant tension... between the forces that hold you
together and those that can tear you apart.”
As with personal achievement, this belief—that success should not need effort—robs
people of the very thing they need to make their relationship thrive. It’s probably why so many
relationships go stale—because people believe that being in love means never having to do
anything taxing.
MIND READING
Part of the low-effort belief is the idea that couples should be able to read each other’s
minds: We are like one. My partner should know what I think, feel, and need and I should know
what my partner thinks, feels, and needs. But this is impossible. Mind reading instead of
communicating inevitably backfires.
Elayne Savage, noted family psychologist, describes Tom and Lucy. After three months
together, Tom informed Lucy that there was an imbalance in their relationship. Lucy, reading his
mind, decided Tom meant that he was less into the relationship than she was. She felt
discouraged. Should she break off the relationship before he did? However, after a therapy
session, Lucy got up the courage to find out what he meant. Tom, it turned out, had been using a
musical term to convey his wish to fine-tune the relationship and move it to the next level.
I almost fell into the same trap. My husband and I had met a few months before, and
everything seemed to be going great. Then one evening, as we were sitting together, he said to
me, “I need more space.” Everything went blank. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was I
completely mistaken about the relationship? Finally, I summoned my courage. “What do you
mean?” I asked. He said, “I need you to move over so I can have more room.” I’m glad I asked.
AGREEING ON EVERYTHING
It’s strange to believe in mind reading. But it makes sense when you realize that many
people with a fixed mindset believe that a couple should share all of each other’s views.
If you do, then you don’t need communication; you can just assume your partner sees
things the way you do.
Raymond Knee and his colleagues had couples come in and discuss their views of their
relationship. Those with the fixed mindset felt threatened and hostile after talking about even
minor discrepancies in how they and their partner saw their relationship. Even a minor
discrepancy threatened their belief that they shared all of each other’s views.
It’s impossible for a couple to share all of each other’s assumptions and expectations.
One may assume the wife will stop working and be supported; the other, that she will be an equal
breadwinner. One may assume they will have a house in the suburbs, the other that they will
have a bohemian love nest.
wang
(Wang)
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