From that time until her death twenty-five years later, we became closer and closer. As
lively as each of us was, we came even more to life in each other’s presence. Once, a few years
ago, after she’d had a stroke, the doctors warned me she couldn’t speak and might never speak
again. I walked into her room, she looked at me and said, “Carol, I love your outfit.”
What allowed me to take that first step, to choose growth and risk rejection? In the fixed
mindset, I had needed my blame and bitterness. It made me feel more righteous, powerful, and
whole than thinking I was at fault. The growth mindset allowed me to give up the blame and
move on. The growth mindset gave me a mother.
I remember when we were kids and did something dumb, like drop our ice-cream cone on
our foot, we’d turn to our friend and say “Look what you made me do.” Blame may make you
feel less foolish, but you still have a shoe full of ice cream—and a friend who’s on the defensive.
In a relationship, the growth mindset lets you rise above blame, understand the problem, and try
to fix it—together.
COMPETITION: WHO’S THE GREATEST?
In the fixed mindset, where you’ve got to keep proving your competence, it’s easy to get
into a competition with your partner. Who’s the smarter, more talented, more likable one?
Susan had a boyfriend who worried that she would be the center of attention and he
would be the tagalong. If she were someone, he would be no one. But Martin was far from no
one. He was very successful, even revered, in his field. He was handsome and well liked, too. So
at first Susan pooh-poohed the whole thing. Then they attended a conference together. They’d
arrived separately and, in checking in, Susan had chatted with the friendly hotel staff in the
lobby. That evening when the couple walked through the lobby, the whole staff greeted her
warmly. Martin grunted. Next, they took a taxi to dinner. Toward the end of the ride, the driver
started singing her praises: “You better hold on to her. Yes, sir, she’s a good one.” Martin
winced. The whole weekend continued in this vein, and by the time they got home from the
conference their relationship was very strained.
Martin wasn’t actively competitive. He didn’t try to outdo Susan, he just lamented her
seemingly greater popularity. But some partners throw their hats right into the ring.
Cynthia, a scientist, was amazing at almost everything she did—so much so that she left
her partners in the dust. That might have been all right if she didn’t always venture into their
territory. She married an actor, and then started writing plays and acting in them—superbly. She
said she was just trying to share his life and his interests, but her part-time hobby outshone his
career. He felt he had to escape from the relationship to find himself again. Next, she married a
musician who was a great cook, and in no time flat she was tickling the ivories and inventing
unbelievable recipes. Once again, the depressed husband eventually fled. Cynthia left her
partners no room for their own identity; she needed to equal or surpass them in every skill they
arrived with.
There are many good ways to support our partners or show interest in their lives. This is
not one of them.
DEVELOPING IN RELATIONSHIPS
When people embark on a relationship, they encounter a partner who is different from
them, and they haven’t learned how to deal with the differences. In a good relationship, people
develop these skills and, as they do, both partners grow and the relationship deepens. But for this
to happen, people need to feel they’re on the same side.
Laura was lucky. She could be self-centered and defensive. She could yell and pout. But
James never took it personally and always felt that she was there for him when he needed her. So
wang
(Wang)
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