when she lashed out, he calmed her down and made her talk things through with him. Over time,
she learned to skip the yelling and pouting.
As an atmosphere of trust developed, they became vitally interested in each other’s
development. James was forming a corporation, and Laura spent hours with him discussing his
plans and some of the problems he was encountering. Laura had always dreamed of writing
children’s books. James got her to spell out her ideas and write a first draft. He urged her to
contact someone they knew who was an illustrator. In the context of this relationship, each
partner was helping the other to do the things they wanted to do and become the person they
wanted to be.
Not long ago, I was talking to a friend about the view some people hold of
childrearing—that parents make little difference. In explaining that view, she likened it to a
marriage relationship: “It’s like partners in a marriage. Each comes to the relationship fully
formed, and you don’t expect to influence who the partner is.”
“Oh no,” I replied. “To me the whole point of marriage is to encourage your partner’s
development and have them encourage yours.”
By that I didn’t mean a My Fair Lady kind of thing where you attempt an extreme
makeover on partners, who then feel they aren’t good enough as they are. I mean helping
partners, within the relationship, to reach their own goals and fulfill their own potential. This is
the growth mindset in action.
FRIENDSHIP
Friendships, like partnerships, are places where we have a chance to enhance each other’s
development, and to validate each other. Both are important. Friends can give each other the
wisdom and courage to make growth-enhancing decisions, and friends can reassure each other of
their fine qualities. Despite the dangers of praising traits, there are times when we need
reassurance about ourselves: “Tell me I’m not a bad person for breaking up with my boyfriend.”
“Tell me I’m not stupid even though I bombed on the exam.”
In fact, these occasions give us a chance to provide support and give a growth message:
“You gave that relationship everything you had for three years and he made no effort to improve
things. I think you’re right to move on.” Or “What happened on that exam? Do you understand
the material? Did you study enough? Do you think you need a tutor? Let’s talk about it.”
But as in all relationships, people’s need to prove themselves can tilt the balance in the
wrong direction. Sheri Levy did a study that was not about friendship, but makes an important
and relevant point.
Levy measured adolescent boys’ self-esteem and then asked them how much they
believed in negative stereotypes about girls. For example, how much did they believe that girls
were worse in math or that girls were less rational than boys? She then measured their
self-esteem again.
Boys who believed in the fixed mindset showed a boost in self-esteem when they
endorsed the stereotypes. Thinking that girls were dumber and more scatterbrained made them
feel better about themselves. (Boys with the growth mindset were less likely to agree with the
stereotypes, but even when they did, it did not give them an ego boost.)
This mentality can intrude on friendships. The lower you are, the better I feel is the idea.
One day I was talking to a dear, wise friend. I was puzzled about why she put up with the
behavior of some of her friends. Actually, I was puzzled about why she even had these friends.
One often acted irresponsibly; another flirted shamelessly with her husband. Her answer was that
everyone has virtues and foibles, and that, really, if you looked only for perfect people, your
wang
(Wang)
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