Present Over Perfect

our marriage.
This is why the ferry boat conversation got to me,
because there was a moment several months ago when
Aaron was frustrated with me about something, and the kids
were wild and grumpy. And these are the words I heard
coming out of my own mouth: “Everybody else likes me
better than you three do.”
That’s what you call a wake-up call. That’s a change-
your-life, start-right-now moment. And so we did. Because I
was on the path that man on the ferry was on. It’s easy to be
liked by strangers. It’s very hard to be loved and connected
to the people in your home when you’re always bringing
them your most exhausted self and resenting the fact that the
scraps you’re giving them aren’t cutting it.
And many of us are too exhausted from the work we
love to get down on the floor with our toddlers, or stay in
the second hour of a difficult conversation with our spouses.
It seems to me that one of the great hazards is quick
love, which is actually charm. We get used to smiling,
hugging, bantering, practicing good eye contact. And it’s
easier than true, slow, awkward, painful connection with
someone who sees all the worst parts of you. Your act is
easy. Being with you, deeply with, is difficult.
It is better to be loved than admired. It is better to be
truly known and seen and taken care of by a small tribe than
adored by strangers who think they know you in a
meaningful way. We know that’s true. But many of us,
functionally, have gotten that math wrong in one season or