Present Over Perfect

than a blip—we’d add on a day to the work trip, or get a
sitter and have a quick dinner out.
And then four years ago, Aaron surprised me and took
me to New York for two nights; and it was so rich and so
needed and such a space of love and reconnection that we
reset our attitude toward our anniversaries—we plan out
months ahead of time where we want to go and what we
want to do.
This year we went to Seattle. Earlier that month, we
learned that two friends of ours—both married, both with
children—had had an affair. We were absolutely, totally
shocked.
It plunged us into a very deep set of questions about
marriage and secrecy and friendship, and what it looks like
to build durable, whole, healthy marriages.
Aaron and I talked about it a lot, it seemed, trying to
make sense of it. If this happened to them, what would stop
it from happening to us? What makes a good marriage?
How do you know?
On the last afternoon of our anniversary trip to Seattle,
we took a long walk through Ballard. We walked from one
end of the neighborhood to the other, and we ended up
winding across the locks on narrow metal bridges, all the
way across, all the way back.
And as we walked, Aaron and I talked about our
marriage in a way we never had. We’d realized, from
watching our friends, that affairs don’t come out of
nowhere, but that often they find a place to wedge