HURT BY OTHERS: HOW TO COPE AND HEAL
When I was growing up, the world was a perfect place. The only problem was that it wasn’t. I used to
believe that everything could always be ‘fair’. To me that meant no one should ever be wronged, and
if they were, justice must be served. I fought hard for the way I believed things should be. However in
my struggle, I overlooked a fundamental truth about this life. In my childish idealism, I failed to
understand that this world is inherently imperfect. We, as humans, are inherently imperfect. So we
will always mess up. And in those mess-ups, we will inevitably hurt others, knowingly and
unknowingly, intentionally and unintentionally. The world would not always be fair.
Does that mean we stop struggling against injustice, or give up on Truth? Of course not, but it means
we must not hold this world—and others—to an unrealistic standard. But that’s not always easy. How
do we live in a world so flawed, where people let us down, and even our own family can break our
heart? And perhaps, hardest of all, how do we learn to forgive when we have been wronged? How do
we become strong, without being hard, and remain soft, without being weak? When do we hold on,
and when can we let go? When does caring too much, become too much? And is there such a thing as
loving more than we should?
To begin to find these answers, we have to first take a step outside our own lives. We need to
examine whether we are the first or the last to feel pain or be wronged. We need to look at those who
came before us, to study their struggles, and their triumphs. And we need to recognize that growth
never comes without pain, and success is only a product of struggle. That struggle almost always
includes withstanding and overcoming the harms inflicted by others.
Recalling the shining examples of our prophets will remind us that our pain is not isolated. Remember
that Prophet Nuh (as) was abused by his people for 950 years. The Quran tells us: “Before them the
People of Noah rejected (their apostle): they rejected Our servant, and said, ‘Here is one
possessed!’, and he was driven out.” (Qur’an, 54:9) Nuh was abused so much that he finally called on
his Lord: “I am one overcome: do Thou then help (me)!” (Qur’an, 54:10)
Or we can call to mind how the Prophet was pelted with stones, until he bled, and how the
companions were beaten and starved. All of this harm was at the hands of others. Even the angels
understood this aspect of human nature—before we even came to be. When Allah told the angels that
He would create humanity, their first question was about this harmful potential of humans. Allah tells
us: “Behold, thy Lord said to the angels: ‘I will create a vicegerent (humanity) on earth.’ They said:
‘Wilt Thou place therein one who will make mischief therein and shed blood?’” (Qur’an, 2:30)
This potential of humanity to commit horrific crimes against each other is a sad reality of this life.
And yet many of us are so blessed. Most of us have not had to face the type of calamities that others
have endured throughout time. Most of us will never have to watch as our families are tortured or
killed. And yet, there are few of us who could say we have never been hurt, in one way or another, at
the hands of someone else. So although most of us will never have to know the feeling of starving to
death or standing helpless as our homes are destroyed, most of us will know what it means to cry
from a wounded heart.
Is it possible to avoid this? To some degree, I think it is. We can never avoid all pain, but by
adjusting our expectation, our response, and our focus, we can avoid much devastation. For example,