MANHOOD AND THE FACADE OF BEING HARD
Last week my sister called. She has been studying abroad since summer began, so naturally I was
thrilled to hear from her. After hearing how she was, I asked about her new home. With her living in a
Muslim country, I felt assured that everything would be fine. For that reason, what she described next
was a complete shock. She began to describe a place where a girl can hardly leave her house without
being verbally harassed by men walking by. She said that the catcalling was no longer the exception;
it had become the rule. Then she told me about a Muslim girl she knew. The girl was riding in a taxi
and when she arrived at her stop, she handed the driver his money. In many of these countries there
are no strict meters, and since the fare is somewhat arbitrary, the driver became angry. Eventually the
altercation escalated to such a degree that the driver grabbed the girl by the shoulders and began to
shake her. At this, the girl became angry and insulted the driver. The driver then punched the young
woman in the face.
At this point, I was extremely disturbed. However it was what my sister said next that was most
devastating. Nearby, there was a group of men who saw what was happening, and rushed to the scene.
Naturally they came to help the girl.
No. They stood and watched.
It was at this point in the story that I began to wonder. Suddenly I found myself questioning every
definition of masculinity I had ever believed in. I wondered how a man — not one, but many — can
stand and watch a woman be abused, and do absolutely nothing about it. It made me question what
ideals define what it means to be a man in today’s society. Had the definition of masculinity become
so distorted as to be reduced to just unbridled sex drive? Had the image of the ‘knight in shining
armor’ really been replaced by visions of macho, catcalling boys in the street?
Most of all, it got me thinking about what it means to be a Muslim man today. I wondered if our
dominate definitions as Muslims are really what they should be. Today, a man is expected to be stoic,
unemotional, inexpressive, tough, and unbending. Physical aggression is glorified and emotional
expressiveness ridiculed. I then decided to examine the epitome of what it means to be a man. I
decided to look at the Prophet.
One of the most common definitions of manhood today is the lack of emotional expressiveness. It is
almost universally believed that to cry is ‘unmanly’ and weak. And yet the Prophet described it
very differently. When the Prophet was handed his daughter’s son who was dying, his eyes
flooded with tears. His companion Sa`d then told him, “What is this, Prophet of God?” He
said, “This is a mercy that the Almighty has made in the hearts of His servants. And surely God has
mercy to the merciful ones among His servants.” [Bukhari]
But today, a man is not only expected to hide feelings of sadness, he is taught early on that even other
emotions are not to be expressed. During the time of the Prophet , there were some men who
believed the same. Once while a villager was present, Prophet Muhammad kissed his
grandsons on the forehead. At that, the villager said with surprise, “I have ten children. I have never
kissed any of them!” Prophet Muhammad looked at him and said, “He who does not have
mercy will not have mercy upon him.” [Bukhari] In fact, with regards to showing affection, the