maybestartabookclub.Butbah,likethatwasgoingto
help.
WhatbotheredShelleymostwashowlittlecuriositythe
staff members seemed to have about what Lou cared
aboutinhislifeandwhathehadbeenforcedtoforfeit.
Theydidn’tevenrecognizetheirignoranceinthisregard.
Theymighthavecalledtheservicetheyprovidedassisted
living, but noone seemed to thinkitwastheir job to
actually assist him with living—to figure out how to
sustain theconnections and joysthat mostmattered to
him. Their attitude seemed to result from
incomprehension rather than cruelty, but, as Tolstoy
would have said, what’s the difference in the end?
Louand Shelleyworkedout acompromise.Shewould
bringhimhomeeverySundaythroughTuesday.Thatlet
himhavesomethingto lookforwardtoeachweek and
helpedherfeelbetter,too.Atleast,he’dhaveacouple
days a week of the life he’d enjoyed.
IaskedWilsonwhyassistedlivingsooftenfellshort.She
sawseveralreasons.First,togenuinelyhelppeoplewith
living“ishardertodothantotalkabout”andit’sdifficult
tomakecaregiversthinkaboutwhatitreallyentails.She
gavetheexampleofhelpingapersondress.Ideally,you
letpeopledowhattheycanthemselves,thusmaintaining
their capabilities and sense of independence. But, she
said, “Dressing somebody is easier than letting them
dressthemselves.Ittakeslesstime.It’slessaggravation.”
So unless supporting people’s capabilities is made a
priority,thestaffendsupdressingpeoplelikethey’rerag
dolls.Gradually,that’showeverythingbeginstogo.The
tasks come to matter more than the people.