heroicmeasureswerea goodidea.Lazaroffdidn’tlike
that at all.
“Don’tyougiveuponme,”hesaid.“Yougivemeevery
chanceI’vegot.”Outsidetheroom,afterhesignedthe
form,thesontookmeaside.Hismotherhaddiedona
ventilatorinintensivecare,andatthetimehisfatherhad
saidhedidnotwantanythinglikethattohappentohim.
But now he was adamant about doing “everything.”
IbelievedthenthatMr.Lazaroffhadchosenbadly,andI
stillbelievethis.Hechosebadlynotbecauseofallthe
dangersbutbecausetheoperationdidn’tstandachance
ofgivinghimwhathereallywanted:hiscontinence,his
strength, the life he had previously known. He was
pursuing little more than a fantasy at the risk of a
prolongedandterribledeath—whichwaspreciselywhat
he got.
Theoperationwasatechnicalsuccess.Overeightanda
halfhours,thesurgicalteamremovedthemassinvading
his spine and rebuilt the vertebral body with acrylic
cement.Thepressureonhisspinalcordwasgone.Buthe
neverrecoveredfromtheprocedure.Inintensivecare,he
developedrespiratoryfailure,asystemicinfection,blood
clotsfromhisimmobility,thenbleedingfromtheblood
thinnersto treatthem.Eachdaywefellfurtherbehind.
Wefinallyhadtoadmithewasdying.Onthefourteenth
day, his son told the team that we should stop.
ItfelltometotakeLazaroffofftheartificialventilator
thatwaskeepinghimalive.Icheckedtomakesurethat
hismorphine drip wasturneduphigh, sohe wouldn’t
suffer from airhunger. I leaned closeand, in case he