I watched him walk away and, mechanically, as if I weren’t making
the decision, rerolled them. He returned an hour later, and when he
caught sight of me he paused mid-step, confused. He’d told me what to
do, and I hadn’t done it. He stood uncertainly for a moment, then
crossed over to me, took hold of both sleeves and jerked them down.
He didn’t make it ten steps before I’d rolled them up again.
I wanted to obey. I meant to. But the afternoon was so hot, the
breeze on my arms so welcome. It was just a few inches. I was covered
from my temples to my toes in grime. It would take me half an hour
that night to dig the black dirt out of my nostrils and ears. I didn’t feel
much like an object of desire or temptation. I felt like a human forklift.
How could an inch of skin matter?
—I WAS HOARDING MY PAYCHECKS, in case I needed the money for tuition.
Dad noticed and started charging me for small things. Mother had
gone back to buying insurance after the second car accident, and Dad
said I should pay my share. So I did. Then he wanted more, for
registration. “These Government fees will break you,” he said as I
handed him the cash.
That satisfied Dad until my test results arrived. I returned from the
junkyard to find a white envelope. I tore it open, staining the page with
grease, and looked past the individual scores to the composite. Twenty-
two. My heart was beating loud, happy beats. It wasn’t a twenty-seven,
but it opened up possibilities. Maybe Idaho State.
I showed Mother the score and she told Dad. He became agitated,
then he shouted that it was time I moved out.
“If she’s old enough to pull a paycheck, she’s old enough to pay rent,”
Dad yelled. “And she can pay it somewhere else.” At first Mother
argued with him, but within minutes he’d convinced her.
I’d been standing in the kitchen, weighing my options, thinking
about how I’d just given Dad four hundred dollars, a third of my
savings, when Mother turned to me and said, “Do you think you could
move out by Friday?”
Something broke in me, a dam or a levee. I felt tossed about, unable
to hold myself in place. I screamed but the screams were strangled; I
was drowning. I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t afford to rent an